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Saturday, December 10, 2005

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 13:45:13 GMT

Dear Diary,

I awoke in the dark and the whole world was bouncing up and down. I decided to remedy to situation by waving my arms wildly. "OW!"
"Omg!"
"That hurt!"
"Sorry somebody. Where are we?"
"I don't know, I think we're on a ship. Did you get kidnapped when you were eating at Outback?"
"No, I was just shopping at Bloomingdale's."
"Oh, gross. Maybe you deserve to be here. Anyways, do you have some food? I'm starving."
"Yeah I had a takeout Chipotle burrito in my bag somewhere..."
"Uh oh.... does it have meat? Because they wouldn't like that very much."
"No no, it's fine, it's vegetarian wrap."
"It is?"
"Yeah... a vegetarian's meat wrapped in a tortilla! HEHE!"

So me and some random girl (or a guy with a really high pitched voice) started eating my Chipotle burrito which was unfortunately cold and squishy, but better than nothing. Suddenly a door was thrown open, blinding us with light. "WHAT ARE YOU EATING?"
"Um... she said it was okay because... this is a um... vegetarian wrapped in a ... um... tortilla?"
"OH! The animality!!"

They weren't too happy about that so I got sentenced to the worst galley job of all. Separating the colored paper from the whites to recycle. "HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING?!"
"Shut up and sort!"
"Ooooh you enviromentalists are such paleo-conservatives! Out in the real world colored and white people get married but on your ship you can't even have their paper in the same basket!"
"PAPER AREN'T PEOPLE!"
"That's a slippery slope young man. First paper isn't people, next you'll be saying that the Chipotle burrito isn't a people!"
"Can we make her shut up? Do you have another tranquilizer dart? No? GO FIND ONE."
"Here I make my stand! On these two recycling bins! I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to self evident that all papers are created equal!" I have a dream on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former construction paper and the sons of former snobby cream colored resume paper will be able to sit together in the printer of brotherhoo..."

I don't really remember what happened after that, but either I continued to make the greatest (original I might add) speech in the history of humankind or they shot me with a tranquilizer dart.

- Michelle

Update: I'm pretty sure I made the speech.
- Michelle

Monday, November 28, 2005

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 02:28:44 GMT

Dear Diary,

It was early October and Daddy needed a present! He may have needed another wallet because I poked a hole in my leather pants and patched them with his wallet, but then again, it might have been for another reason. What better place for a wallet than Bloomingdale's?! "Omg hi!"
"Hi."
"Can I pay for this here?"
"Yes."
"So... how are things?"
"They are well. Are you preparing for the holiday of Halloween?"
"Omg yes! I wonder what I should be?"
"I don't know. Will you be eating pumpkin pie?"
"I guess. How bout you?"
"Oh sorry, I'm a vegan."
"What? Pumpkins are vegetables! What about tofu pumpkins?"
"Don't be ridiculous. I don't eat tofu."
"Oh. Uh... I'm a little creeped out by you."
"Yes, I do enjoy the Asian spices from time to time, though I find them to be relatively acidic."
"I don't care."
"Acid is bad."
"Mister I want my wallet and then I'm going to leave."
"I'm afraid I can't do that Michelle."
"Why not?"
"This wallet is made out of cow."
"Well duh, I had to pick something made out of animal if I wanted to pay with my foodstamps."
"I can't touch cow products."
"I was joking about the foodstamps."
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to teach you a lesson about animal cruelty."
"It's okay, I watch the OC already, things get pretty bad there."

Mister crazy bald black guy man drew a tranquilizer dart gun and shot me! It got very dark...

- Michelle

Update: When I woke up I was in a raft heading towards a boat called the Rainbow Warrior! Ahhh!!!!
- Michelle

Update2: Oh by the way, shopping at Bloomingdale's might be a bad idea unless you like getting shot by a guy who looks like Shaft. Except without the hair. You know the Samuel Jackson version. Well I guess that just means that he looks like Samuelthol. Yeah.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 13:37:54 GMT

Dear Diary,

Horrible news. Where have I been for months?! I was captured by Greenpeace and just made it out alive. I must recover from my harrowing journey before I can tell you what they made me do. Oh... the horrors of being a Greenpeace galley slave are beyond imagination!!!

- Michelle

Update: On the plus side, all the 20 hour rowing days, beatings, and the battles with whalers really made me lose some pounds!
- Michelle

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 13:14:45 GMT

Church Counsel Ackers Chosen for Youth Pastor
Some Question Her Lack of Experience As a Pastor

By Michelle Shoe

SororityGirl Staff Writer
Saturday, October 8, 2005

Reverend Williams nominated Abigail Ackers, his youth counsel and niece, to the Youth Bible Study program yesterday, choosing a woman who broke barriers in the male-dominated Maryland religious world but brings no biblical interpretation experience or background to her new assignment.

Williams announced his choice for the church's 110th youth pastor shortly before the program opened its new term under newly installed Chief Pastor Jack Robbins. In Williams' statement, he simultaneously introduced Ackers and defended her religious résumé, which came under immediate attack from some conservative groups.

"In selecting a nominee, I've sought to find an American of grace, judgment and unwavering devotion to the Bible and laws of our God. Abigail is just such a person," Williams said. "I've known Abigail for more than a decade. I know her heart. I know her character."

But yesterday's response to the nominee left confirmation open to doubt. There was widespread dissent among Williams' usual allies on the right, who questioned whether the 21-year-old possessed the distinguished qualifications and conservative credentials they are looking for in a youth pastor nominee. "How will we know how she stands on the interpretation of the Bible when we don't even know her personal views?" asked Scott Johns, chief counsel of Concerned Youth Pastors for America. "The problem is that those of us who were looking for some tangible evidence of intellectual firepower have found none, and we can't come out of the box supporting her."

Ironically, Ackers was, herself, the head of the search for a youth pastor. Upon her nomination, cries of cronyism erupted. It remains to be seen how she will perform during the confirmation hearings.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 16:43:37 GMT

Dear Diary,

You know political correctness? It's stupid. And there's one issue in particular that really makes me angry. I'm tired of being politcally correct about this! No more can my feelings be repressed!! I'm just going to come out and say it. (Hehe, come out.) Well I'm officially declaring that I hate gays! You gasp! You say, why Michelle? Why would you do such a thing? It's simple! They're competition! You walk in somewhere and you some cutsie and you're like, "Omg, hi."
"Hi."
"I'm Michelle."
"I'm cute."
"I know. Let's go get some dinner!"
"Sorry, I can't."
"What? Why?"
"Because I'm going with that guy over there. He just asked me, sorry."

GRR!! STUPID GAY PEOPLE. Always prancing around, being gay and taking the men! Well, from this day henceforth, I declare my official protest of homosexuality in America!

- Michelle

Update: That sneaky Milton... I tell him I don't think of him as one of them, but really I talk about him behind is back. Like right now. Stupid Milton.
- Michelle

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 13:25:58 GMT

Dear Diary,

George Bush hates Texas. Also, he hates black people soooo much he's going after the ones who managed to evacuate out of New Orleans to Houston with Hurricane Bush II.

- Michelle

Update: I am updating this from the belly of work because it ate me. Currently trying to find a way out, but it's really dark.
- Michelle

Monday, September 12, 2005

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 20:36:05 GMT

Dear Michelle's Diary,

Upon the end of last semester, Michelle and I got selected into a student leadership program that would meet and discuss ways to improve student life on campus. The past weekend was teambonding at a ropes course. It was great fun, we climbed walls, hit each other in the head with sticks, along with all sorts of other wonderful events.

Then came the trust-building part of the activity. We were divided into pairs and to my extreme horror, I was placed with Michelle. "Omg, hi Claire," she said.
"Dammit," I said.

The activity? I was supposed to be blindfolded while Michelle guided me down a 2 mile forest path. I put my blindfold on with great apprehension. "Ready Claire?" said Michelle.
"No," I said.
"Okay, here we go!!" she said.

After a really long time of leaves crackling underfoot, I began feeling uneasy. I couldn't figure out why until it suddenly it hit me. "SHIT," I said.
"What?" said Michelle.
"Michelle, why can't I hear anyone else's voice anymore?" I asked, an uneasy feeling growing in my stomach.
"Hehe," giggled Michelle.
"You led me down the wrong path didn't you," I said. "Michelle?"

There was no response. "Michelle?" I said again. "Where did you go?"

When I took my blindfold off, she was gone. That girl is the bane of my existence.

- Claire

P.S. There is a plan for revenge. Oh, believe me, there is.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 14:00:35 GMT

Dear Diary,

Omg. Thursday night I get a call from Daddy telling me to come home from school! I was like yay Daddy wants to see me this weekend! But what happens when I go home? "Michelle, you remember your Aunt Mary right?"
"Hi Michelle, what a pleasure it is to see you!"
"Ew!"

The moment of reunion was a little bit awkward and the rest of the weekend wasn't any better. Friday morning we sit down and she starts talking to her sausages. "Um... what are you doing?"
"I'm saying grace, would you care to join me?"
"That's weird. But okay I guess... Grace grace grace grace grace grace grace grace..."

Suddenly Aunt Mary is looking at me like I'm the weirdo. Excuseeeee me, but she's the one who suggested it. She sighed and asked me, "Michelle, have you found God?"
"No... where is he?"
"I can't tell you. You have to find him yourself... I'm really shocked that you aren't looking for him already though..."
"Well nobody told me he was lost!!"

So my weekend, instead of a restful happiness, turned into like a Quest for God!

Quest for God - Mission Log Friday Morning

Walked around the neighborhood yelling, "Here God! Heeere boy!" No success.

Mission Log Friday Afternoon

Set out a plate of cookies for God. Checked back an hour later and they were gone. Note to self: God is tricky.

Mission Log Friday Night

Set out a plate of cookies for God. Inserted mousetrap at bottom of plate. Checked back an hour later and the cookies were gone, but no God. (Did hear Aunt Mary yelling about her hand sometime, but am positive she is not God.) Note to self: God is very tricky.

Mission Log Saturday Morning

Set out a plate of cookies for God. Inserted rat poison in the cookies. Hah! Let's see how far he gets now! Checked back an hour later, cookies were gone, but no God. Note to self: God is very tricky and immune to poisons.

Mission Log Saturday Afternoon

Mission has been temporarily suspended as had to take Aunt Mary to the hospital with stomach problems. Something she ate, weird.

Mission Log Saturday Night

Set out a plate of cookies for God. Checked back an hour later, cookies were still there. I am sad to report mission failure.

Log End

So I'm sad to say... God was in my fingergrasps, but I let him slip away... Even after using all my cookies and trickiness, he managed to outsmart me! Just what kind of man is he?!!

- Michelle

Update: I wonder how Aunt Mary is doing? She's so silly, getting herself sick. Oh well, I don't feel sorry for her because it's totally her own fault.
- Michelle

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 12:46:59 GMT

Dear Diary,

The two worst things in the world have invaded my life in the past week. Classes and Family. AHHH!! I'd write about it right now but my aunt is helping me find God. She was all surprised when I said I wasn't looking for him, but nobody told me he was lost... Oh well, I'm sure he can't have gone far, and if he has he'll be back when he's hungry.

Details to come!

- Michelle

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Thu, 25 Aug 2005 13:04:37 GMT

Dear Diary,

Omg. Never mess with fatties. They have nothing to lose.

So anyways, at some point in my life I apparently made Lindsey angry. God knows what I could have done, maybe steal all the boys she was interested in, maybe the name calling, maybe the looking prettier than she will ever even dream of being and letting her know about it, maybe the fact that I poke her in the tummy making the Pillsbury Doughboy sound, maybe something else, but obviously I really had done nothing wrong. But yesterday afternoon, I woke up from my nap hearing someone chewing next to me. "Gmmmpf?"
"Good afternoon Michelle."
"Omg, Lindsey! What are you doing in here?!"
"Oooooh, nothing. Just chewing gum and sticking it in your hair. Here's another one!"
"EEEEEEEEEEE!"
"It's DoubleMint!"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
"Oh what, you wanted Juicy Fruit?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"

After chasing Lindsey around the house with a pan, I had to go cut my hair off. At dinner, Daddy was a bit confused. "Um, Michelle, what did you do to your head?"

So I told him exactly what happened.

The Story of What Happened to My Hair: A Story of Love, Sacrifice, and Heartbreak

It was early August, and I had been growing out my hair long and flowing. A bit like Fabio, only a girl. And better looking. I was flipping through the Washington Post when a Personals Ad caught my eye. Single Prince, 21, looking for His Dearest Princess. I says to myself I says, "Michelle, this sounds exactly like something up your alley."

So anyhoo, I fly to the kingdom of Siam as the ad requested and met up with the prince. My goodness! He was everything a girl could want -- and we were totally hitting it off. It was getting near time for me to head back to school though, so I had to leave. "Oh Prince Charming," I said, looking into his deep hazelnut eyes. "Won't you go back with me?"
"Oh yes!" he said. "I would go to the moon with you!"

So we gleefully announced our intentions to his papa, the King.

Unfortunately, the King did not approve. "Take away my son will you?!" he thundered, banging his goblet emphatically. "I'm throwing you in the dungeon!!!"

I tried to interject. "If... if I may have a word..." I stammered. But before I could finish, I was rudely punched in the face by a nearby guard and blacked out.

When I woke up, I was indeed in a dungeon. I could hardly see a thing, save for a few threads of light coming through a barred opening in the wall high above me. I was rather put out and on the verge of pouting when a sillouette appeared in the opening. It was my Prince Charming! "Oh Prince Charming," I said. "Woe to us lovers that we are kept apart by the jealousy of your papa."
"But hark!" he said. "For I have come to save you, Dearest Princess. I have, concealed in my attractively formfitting pants that accentuate my ample, yet tasteful, bottom, a pair of scissors. Cut off your lucious hair so you may tie it in a rope and climb up through the bars."
"But my hair!" I cried. "Oh but for you, such a sacrifice is nothing."

So I did as he requested, and after he lifted me out through the bars (all Princes do weight training for properly toned bodies so this was quite a simple task), we stole away in the night. After successfully slipping past several guards, we made it outside. My Prince Charming laughed in delight and threw his arms around me in what could only be described as a hug of delight. "We have made it, My Prince Charming," I cried.

"BUT QUOTH," a voice boomed out from the dark. "You have NOT made it."

It was the King! Freshly returned from a hunting trip, his face glowed crimson with rage, illuminated by torches from his just arrived party. His lip quivering, he notched an arrow to his bow, and let fly.

"NO!" screamed Prince Charming, as he threw his body in front of me, catching the accursed arrow in his chest. His eyes grew dim as they searched above him for my face. He opened his lips one last time and said, "Remember me."

The King and I were so distraught over the happenings, we made amends and buried Prince Charming at first light. Wearily, I then returned back to the airport. On the trip back, the empty seat next to me was a callous reminder of who should have been there... and what could have been.

The End

"Michelle, I don't think that happened."
"Yes it did, Daddy. How dare you for being so insensitive! Please... forgive me from the dinner table as I sob salty salty tears for dear Prince Charming."

- Michelle

Update: Oh Prince Charming! Why?!!! Why did your papa not understand what we had?!
- Michelle

sororitygirl's Xanga

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Monday, November 28, 2005

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Church Counsel Ackers Chosen for Youth Pastor Some Question Her Lack of Experience As a Pastor

Monday, September 26, 2005

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Monday, September 12, 2005

Monday, September 05, 2005

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Church Counsel Ackers Chosen for Youth Pastor
Some Question Her Lack of Experience As a Pastor